Top 20 Fun Factoids About the Election Results
It’s been a difficult week in the U.S. and writing has been challenging. You see, I’ve been distracted by, if not the possible end of the world, the bigotry, racism, misogyny, homophobia, and stupidity which seems to have, if only temporarily won. Sure, I went through the five stages of grief:
Denial – No, no, no, he can’t possibly be winning.
Anger – What the fuck?!
Bargaining – Ok, so maybe he’ll choose others to work for him that know what the fuck they’re doing, and that, you know, might not be delusional, self-absorbed, bigoted assholes. (Okay, might not yet have completely gotten past stage two.)
Depression – We’re doomed, doomed I tell you.
Acceptance – I accept that we’re doomed, doomed I tell you. (Man, stage four might be as difficult to get past as stage two.)
Many have spoken about the five stages of grief since the election results were revealed, but I’m here to talk about the little-known sixth stage – humor. Yes, that’s right. Why do you think so many Jews are comedians? We’ve been oppressed in and kicked out of most places we’ve lived throughout our history. Hell, watch Fiddler on the roof and you’ll see a perfect example of Jewish humor in the face of bigotry, hatred, and oppression.
So, in the interest of hope, humor, and spitting in the face of fear, I give you the top 20 things that are good about this election.
20) No more election coverage.
19) The return of Freedom Fries.
18) Gay married couples, according to Miss Manners, don’t have to return the wedding presents.
17) America will be great again (which greatly depends on your view of what “great again” means).
15) With a Republican Congress and a (fake) Republican President, we can actually get things done. (They may not be good things, but they’ll get done.)
16) Fracking is a funny word and we’ll have lots of chances to use it.
15) Little girls can still grow up thinking they might be the first female president (because nobody really remembers the second person to do something anyway).
14) At least if they don’t grow up to be president, they’ll learn new terms for their body parts because, who doesn’t want their vagina being compared to a cute baby cat? (Those cats move fast and sometimes you just must grab them.)
13) Some states legalized recreational marijuana so we know that God is truly merciful. And many of those that didn’t still have legalized medical marijuana which can be used to treat anxiety. And I think anxiety might be the new Zika. So, smoke ’em if ya got ’em.
12) Late night comedians (enough said).
11) Non-stop travel leaves me overwhelmed with all the decisions required. I’ll now have one less decision as the government will now get to make decisions about my body.
10) Many won’t have to sit through a long Thanksgiving dinner listening to Aunt Harriet tell you, “Your biological clock is ticking,” or hearing Uncle Ralph drunkenly talk about those damn Muslims down the street who are definitely plotting to bomb the 7/11 on the corner as they believe the Big Gulp to be a symbol of America’s attempts to show its might, even in the form of ridiculously large, unhealthy, sugar-filled cups of chemicals. Yes, they have found the weapons of mass destruction.
9) We’ll now have a whole new verse for We Didn’t Start the Fire.
8) Saturday Night Live.
7) Jews and Muslims can now be bro’s based on mutual hate from the same people.
6) Maybe Donick Cary will bring back Lil’ Bush in the form of Lil’ Trump. (I vote for Lil’ Vlad as his best friend, the boy who refuses to wear a shirt.)
5) A 2,000-mile wall will give new opportunities to budding graffiti artists.
4) Our tax dollars can now pay for Donald Trump’s security, and Donald Tramp’s tax dollars can, well, never mind.
3) Winters in Canada aren’t that cold.
2) Perhaps I can finally score a Hamilton ticket #BoycottHamilton.
1) If we survive this, perhaps our schools will receive more funding in the next decade as it’s clear our educational system needs overhauling and needs improvements in teaching American Government, World History, English, and Social Studies.
I realize this website is about travel, culture, and the people I meet. Well, The U.S. is a place many travel and it’s full of a wide-variety of people and culture. Still, this will be my first and only political commentary on this site. Now I can get back to the business of traditional travel writing (well, as traditional as this site gets) which broadens our understanding of others. I’ve always felt a responsibility to represent the U.S. well while traveling to other countries and now the burden is even heavier. I will show them that we’re not all bigots with a third-grade vocabulary. Or maybe I’ll say I’m Canadian.